Guilty by Default

Journal Entry 100110: Routine & Continuity?

2010-01-10T21:05:00.008+01:00

Well, that's me folks just seen away in a taxi. Strangely (I don't think), I come back into the flat to hear J (my baby son) screaming his head off instead of sleeping – back to his usual antics after being a "little angel" all weekend! What would you do with 'em eh?!

Anyway, on a fairly positive note; was a nice family weekend, albeit very stressful for me and M, due to the restrictive hours. We did end up traveling by taxi each day. An expensive way to eke out bit of extra time, but at least a big hilight for M and also for me, a welcome bit of luxury considering the cold snowy weather.

Friday I was about 7 minutes late, getting M back to her mum (misjudged the extra time needed in the snow). That provoked a stare colder than Daisy. My subsequent announcement that I would arrive at 08:15 on Saturday, to ensure leaving punctually at 08:30 (because she's never ready to leave at the arranged time) was met by a shrug of the shoulders and the comment "And you expect me to wake her?" None of us afterwards were able to figure out the logic of that – why would M still be in bed at 08:15?

To her credit, she was cooperative in the end and M and I did get away in good time on both Saturday and Sunday. Friday's reaction was probably just an unnecessary show of authority, due to my being late. In return, on both days, I was also on time (even early) bringing M back.

So in the end, we spent the following time together at mine (excludes traveling time):

Friday: 15:05 - 16:40
Saturday: 09:00 - 16:30
Sunday: 09:00 - 11:00

However, my complaint is that due to the restricted hours and continual back and forth between families, this arrangement had at blatantly predictable and negative side effects on M.

The time schedule was hectic enough for me. How's a toddler, not even 3 years old, supposed to cope with it all? And this is one of those glaring contradictions that crop up all the time. Because normally M's mother (MM) is busy telling me or the Jugendamt that M can't stay overnight, or that she has to be back by a certain time or I have to do this or I have to do that, because M "becomes easily tired out", "needs plenty of rest" or (the favourite argument) "needs routine" Now, I don't deny any of that. In fact, on the contrary, those are exactly my arguments too! But just look at the access arrangement again, for the grandparents' six monthly visit! It's laughable. You couldn't dream up a worse possible arrangement for a toddler who requires plenty of rest, routine and continuity in her life, who's grandparents have come to visit!

Take good note please, the salient point there is that the Jugendamt couldn't give a monkey's about such contradictary behaviour by the child's custodial parent). If I told them this story, then based on my experience they would probably (pretend to?) sympathise with me, but wouldn't say a word to MM. They prefer to claim they are neutral and therefore refuse to take sides and tell one party or the other that their actions are suboptimal. But it's not about "taking sides", it's about educating separated parents who are still unable to put the true long term interests of the child first. If one parent is making poor decisions then they should suggest or even demand alternatives. If not, then the Jugendamt are not doing their job properly in acting in the best interests of the child!

I won't go into boring details about exactly how this affected M but I'll just mention loyalty conflict; major fuss, when it was time to go on Saturday night, but the same thing again on Sunday morning when picking her up. Suffice to conclude, all of it would have been avoidable if M had been allowed to sleep over. An infant of that age needs continuity. In this case, that meant 1 weekend, 1 family! However MM was adamant that that's not an option until after our mediation session on Wednesday, to discuss how we expand the current access arrangement. More on that, in the next day or two.

Guest Post: The Jugendamt (by Der Landrat)

2010-01-07T17:59:00.002+01:00

Due to my initial naive attempt to translate "Jugendamt" into English, Olivier Karrer alias Der Landrat posted a detailed comment offering an explanation of just who and what the Jugendamt authority stands for. There are some interesting views put forward and plenty of potential for further discussion. Therefore, I felt that it deserves a posting of it's own. This in turn, gave rise to the idea of a Guest Postings section.

The German JUGENDAMT is the political supervisor of any family, the real Judge in any family case. The German JUGENDAMT was structured during the 3rd Reich.

By the way your problem is NOT a father/mother problem, it is a German problem for all of us non-Germans, no matter if father or mother.

Two countries of same size in Europe had various number of inhabitants in year 2000 - France: 64mio, Germany: 81mio

50 years later in 2050 it will have radically changed - France: 66mio (+2), Germany: 66 mio (-15)

This is the reason why NO child will ever leave the country. Any child from a non-gErman has to be part from it's non German culture, language, parent. This is why Germans do have a political Judge, the JUGENDAMT and it's numerous pseudo-experts of the German Kindeswohl

The remaining children in Germany have to be 'protected' (Kinderschutz) against 'Kinderarmut' (numerical poverty in children of Germany). This is the duty of the German JUGENDAMT also called 'Waechteramt' (office of supervision). It has to protect the 'Kindeswohl', with other words the 'welfare of the German nation in child's matter' and to prevent it from beeing endangered (Kindeswohlgefährdung).

Therefore a German Judge is NOT allowed to make a decision in child's matter without it defends only the German parent or the one of two foreigners in Germany which can be bound in the country and placed in a (social, financial) dependency towards the German state (der bindungsfähige Elternteil !)

Never believes what German lawyers are telling you! The only purpose they have is to protect the German interests: to steal your children, to take your money for ever and to remain you silent. Last is the task of any German sollicitor.

Please read the document of the European Parliament regarding this topic:

CEED - INFO / January 2009 / JUGENDAMT / European Parliament / working document

The German Jugendamt appears to be an issue of real concern to many european citizens - see document :

(Bruxelles-) [...] The European Union also has responsibilities which are clearly defined under the treaties and which establish fundamental principles regarding the respect for the integrity of the person, including of course the most vulnerable. Member States are under a clear obligation to ensure that European citizens can go about their lives without fear of discrimination especially by their national, regional or local public administrations. [...]

http://www.jugendamt-wesel.com/PETITION/081222_eu_parl_report_ja.pdf

and also the petition of 10parents:

CEED - PRESS RELEASE / 15 december 2006 / Petition of 10 parents to the european Parliament

The institution known as JUGENDAMT of the Federal Republic of Germany is to be declared an illegal institution ... see :

(Paris - Auckland - Gdansk - Brussels - Sydney - Jacksonville/ BP-MK-MH-PG-OK)

We, non-German parents, who have lost our children to the German State as its property for ever, call upon the European Commission and Parliament, to recognise the significant potential for danger that the JUGENDAMT represents for the future in the European Union. The modern JUGENDAMT ... brings up children - on behalf of the German Volk - our European children to hate and to conflict.

http://www.jugendamt-wesel.com/PETITION/Petition_eng.pdf

kind regards

Olivier Karrer

CEED Paris
http://www.ceed-europa.eu

Disclaimer

The views expressed in the above post are the orignal author's own and not mine. The author is solely responsible for the contents of the post. I, myself, do not not represent or endorse the accuracy, completeness or reliability of any opinion, statement, appeal, advice or any other information in the posting.

Journal Entry 100106: Grandparents are visiting tomorrow

2010-01-06T19:27:00.005+01:00

I actually still intend to write a bit more about my situation because my individual experiences sometimes might sound trivial, taken out of context. Only when you consider the big picture do glaring contradictions show up and that's my big gripe with the Jugendamt - they never take into account or discuss what's already happened.

But that's exactly why my previous blogs never truely got off the ground, because, ultimately, my primary objective was to keep a Diary of Events, rather than to write an autobiography. So, I'm gonna jump the queue with this post and fill in the gaps at a later date, because there are a couple of interesting developments coming up, which I'd definately like to write about as they unfold.

Firstly, my parents are visiting tomorrow and staying until Monday. Snow permitting!

Now, because they live in England, regular contact with my daughter "M" is difficult enough. I usually try and fit a short video chat into our hectic day together, every 2 weeks, but in many ways that's probably less beneficial than telephoning – she quickly loses interest and is still less than communicative in English (at least on the telephone, the conversation would be a bit more direct). M will be 3 in February.

Because M is often "difficult" after spending her fortnightly day with me (and yes, I said day, not weekend), it's assumed that she's not getting enough sleep due to my poor sense of resposibility. The theory is that if I don't give her lunch at the prescribed time of 11:30, but at 12:30 (my own stupid admition) then it's no wonder that her 90 minute afternoon nap is screwed up and that she's overtired in the evening which means she doesn't go to bed at the right time which affects her on Sunday too. Sooooo… she's not allowed to stay overnight, until I can prove that I'm adhering to the strict daily schedule.

The fact that she isn't allowed to stay overnight has a domino effect. It logically means I can't go on holiday with M, it also means that I never have M for Saturday and Sunday but only for a single day (unlogical, I know) and it gets even more complicated if her Mum wants to go away for the weekend herself; because she knows that I'll bring up the subject of M staying overnight again; because I'll question why M is once again going to her german grandparents for Saturday night, instead of spending more time with me (at least the court did support me on that point and reminded her that my access has priority over that of the grandparents). So instead, just to make life simpler for herself now she just cancells the day, citing M's right to go "on holiday" with her. Apparantly the Jugendamt have confirmed to her that she can do that (which I'll write more about soon).

And so where does that leave my parents when they visit (approx twice a year, for about 4 days), yearning to spend time with their first born grandchild? Basically, it leaves them at the wrong end of a very shitty stick.

So they're arriving tomorrow evening and I've got the following arrangement:

Friday: 14:00 - 17:00 *
Saturday: 08:30 - 17:00 **
Sunday: 08:30 - 11:30 *

* 40 min travel time each way, plus time to arrive and to get ready to leave, leaves just over 1 hour of time with my parents (I'll probably end up just taking a taxi instead, to eke out another 30 mins each day… 50% more time!)

** this is my normal access day and likewise, allowing for travel time, afternoon nap and arriving and leaving, about 4.5 hours of time reman.

The justification for this was "so that she gets her afternoon sleep". My suggestion that her regular sleep times could be relaxed, under these special circumstances was met with disbelief. Surely I wasn't suggesting that my parents are more important than M's sleep?!?

And that's it. Approx. 6.5 hours is how much time my parents will see of their granddaughter in 3 full days. And all because… if you rewind the arguments right back to the start… I once openly confessed to giving M her lunch 1 hour later than the designated time, when she was about 1 year old (and back then b.t.w., she wasn't allowed to stay overnight, because she wakes up in the night).

Secondly, we've got a mediation session next week, to discuss the current access arrangement and how it can be improved, particularly with respect to staying overnight. More about that in the coming days.

Stay tuned...

Guilty? Guilty of what, exactly?

2009-12-30T13:11:00.005+01:00

OK, I'll briefly explain the name of this blog, as many people (especially those not directly affected) might wonder what I'm on about. Guilty by default? Who? Why? Guilty of what?

It's my own subjective viewpoint that unmarried fathers and fathers-to-be are treated under German law as being guilty. Without trial and without justification, you are automatically considered unfit for joint custody as soon as your child is born. It's left to the subjective discretion of the mother, to decide whether you become a legal guardian of your own child or not. Less than half of all unmarried mothers take this step.

Many mothers don't do it simply out of ignorance. If the law was consistent with the rest of Europe and joint custody was automatic, they wouldn't give it a second thought. However, under the adage of "Don't change a running system", they misunderstand the importance of joint custody and see no need to apply for it. In many cases, the father also doesn't realise the implications... until it's too late.

I hold nothing against unmarried mothers who fall into this category. Ignorance is not a crime, it's the state that has failed, with a fundamentally flawed law and misleading advice from the CWS.

Unfortunately, there is a second group, for whom the law plays right into their hands. This group are not ignorant of the facts. They are not stupid. They refuse to give the father joint custody, because they value their own power status over family values. They know that with sole custody they have full control and everything in their power to keep the father at arms length.

So you've done nothing wrong. You're a law abiding father, who loves his child just as much as any happily married father. Not only that, but you have the same rights as any married father and most significantly your child also has rights. But the child's mother has the power and the (contradictory to basic German law) right to refuse you this. Without justification, without even making a formal application - because, as a man, you are guilty by default!

This is wrong! This is wronger than a brothel in a nunnery and the law needs to change now!!!

The argument is always that not all fathers are responsible, loving and caring and that this clause is there to protect both mother and child. I don't deny that and in those cases one should quite rightly question his right to custody, but those are the exceptions. In a democratic society "Innocent until proven guilty" is a basic right, so why doesn't it apply to custody of ones own child? It does in every other European country. Give the father custody and revoke it if necessary, but don't let the mother take the law into her own hands and refuse custody simply because she doesn't like him any more!

I am not a criminal, I'm a father who loves and wants to care for his child. I have nothing to prove – you prove to me that I'm not worthy of joint custody!

Germany's Unconstitutional Family Law

2009-12-29T17:11:00.004+01:00

Recently, especially of course here in Germany, there's been a lot in the news about the European Court case of a German father who took Germany to court (yes, the country, not his ex-wife!), accusing them of unconstitutional laws, regarding child custody. And he won. The European Court agreed Germany has to change it's laws, yet politicians and many single mothers are still whinging and whining and trying to squirm their way out, citing the same old tired arguments for their basic supposition that unmarried fathers are guilty until proven innocent. Mothers on the other hand, by virtue of biology are innocent until.. well, basically innocent until the cows come home.

Deutscher Beitrag

Why English?

2009-12-29T00:10:00.002+01:00

I would love to write this blog in German. After all, it's probably more relevant to fathers living in Germany than in other countries (fathers who suffer under the same system as my daughter and I).

However, I'm english and for reasons that I'll point out at a later time this blog is primarily for me alone (however I'm making it public, for other reasons that I'll point out later too). So, for the large part, I'll be writing in English. Besides which, many of my family and friends who might want to read it don't speak German. So please excuse!

But on the subject of language, just a quick note for both English/German native speakers. I have a nasty habit of speaking/writing "Deunglish", so here's a very brief vocabulary lesson:

Access (Rights) = Umgang(srecht)
Custody/Custodial Right = Sorgerecht
Family Court = Familliengericht

Jugendamt, a term I'll be using quite often is actually a tricky one to translate to English, because the job of the Jugendamt would be shared by Social Services (relating more to child abuse), The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) in the case of parenting disputes, like mine and probably even more. Basically it's the governmental organisation, responsible for the well being of minors.

About This Blog

2009-12-29T00:00:00.004+01:00

Purpose and Philosophy

The subject of custody and the struggle of a father to prove his worthiness of joint custody is not the central issue of this blog. The blog is far more personal in nature, it's about myself and my own plight to be a normal and loving father for my daughter. If that sounds arrogant or self-centred, I make no apologies, because the blog is for primarily for me.

Over the last couple of years, after explaining my difficulties to various people, I've often been told to "Document everything!" Documenting everything is easier said that done though. Frequently, I lose motivation, asking myself what exactly is the point (of documenting every little disagreement)? After all, the authorities are not interested in accusations, not even those with documented evidence of contradiction.

Several weeks on though, after my recent court hearing and an initial burst of hope, I'm still hearing the same old contradictory arguments and fear that I can already see where all of this is leading to – nowhere! It's already starting to look as though the court hearing was a complete waste of time. So, with a new year approaching I made the decision to start afresh and begin consolidating my experiences into a blog, starting from the day of that recent court hearing.

Why public?

Despite the personal nature, I'm making the blog public to raise awareness about the problems that millions of unmarried or separated fathers and their children are faced with today, not just in Germany, but the world over. It's a sad but true fact, that separated parents and patchwork families are common place in today's (western) society. It's also a fact, but this time a positive one, that the family model has drastically changed over the last 30 years or so. The boundary between the roles of mother and father has become blurred and fathers are taking an increasingly active family role. But therein lies a paradox, because if the going gets rough and the mother decides to leave (an inherent consequence of our modern day "progressive" family values) and take the kid(s), then there's a conflict of interests. The laws and the classic custody/access arrangements that arguably worked 30 years ago are now painfully outdated and more often than not only help to add fuel to any bad sentiments that may exist between mother and father. And if it's painful for the father who wants to take an active role in his child's development, it's nothing less than tragic for the child itself, if the mother is uncooperative. Invariably, the child is denied the very paternal relationship that feminists 30 years ago would have rejoiced over.

Now, of course I could dress up as a superhero, scale the TV Tower at Alexander Platz or chain myself to a fence somewhere near the Bundestag and generally make a public nuisance of myself. It would certainly raise public awareness, but it does have disadvantages. Many people are quick to denounce such protests without truly understanding the emotional suffering that drives an otherwise respectable and loving father to go that far. I hope this is where I can play a part. With this blog I intend to document a typical case and describe the type of unnecessary hurdles, that unmarried and separated fathers are expected to navigate – mostly without regard for the true well being of the child.

So this is my low key, yet law abiding protest. I will whinge a lot. I will moan a lot. On the whole, it will not be light reading and I realise that it's unlikely to change very much on it's own. But if I can make one single person see things from a different perspective, then I'll be happy, it'll have been worth the effort. If I can inspire a single person to keep a similar blog, I'll celebrate!

Feed me your views please!

Receiving feedback is also a significant motivation. I've lost count of the number of times I've sat at my computer, desperately trying to consolidate my thoughts into writing, infuriated by some kind of shit that I've had thrown at me (sorry, really can't think of a better word). Unfortunately, until now, those literary rants, although providing some of short term release for my anger, just disappear somewhere on my hard drive and for the most part serve no useful further purpose.

I'm not necessarily looking for sympathy from other Dads telling me how right I am. Just as much, if not more, I want to hear arguments that I might not have considered. If a change in my own attitude can have a positive affect for my daughter, then I'm listening...

Please share this blog generously and help me to spread the word. Thank you :-)

By the way, just for the record, it is definitely not my intention to use this blog to defame my ex! I will write openly about my feelings, I'll state the relevant facts as they are and I might occasionally exercise my freedom of speech to criticise the system, but I respect the fact that it's public and I respect the privacy of my ex. I will not write anything here, that I wouldn't openly say in public, either to or about her.