Journal Entry 100110: Routine & Continuity?

Well, that's me folks just seen away in a taxi. Strangely (I don't think), I come back into the flat to hear J (my baby son) screaming his head off instead of sleeping – back to his usual antics after being a "little angel" all weekend! What would you do with 'em eh?!

Anyway, on a fairly positive note; was a nice family weekend, albeit very stressful for me and M, due to the restrictive hours. We did end up traveling by taxi each day. An expensive way to eke out bit of extra time, but at least a big hilight for M and also for me, a welcome bit of luxury considering the cold snowy weather.

Friday I was about 7 minutes late, getting M back to her mum (misjudged the extra time needed in the snow). That provoked a stare colder than Daisy. My subsequent announcement that I would arrive at 08:15 on Saturday, to ensure leaving punctually at 08:30 (because she's never ready to leave at the arranged time) was met by a shrug of the shoulders and the comment "And you expect me to wake her?" None of us afterwards were able to figure out the logic of that – why would M still be in bed at 08:15?

To her credit, she was cooperative in the end and M and I did get away in good time on both Saturday and Sunday. Friday's reaction was probably just an unnecessary show of authority, due to my being late. In return, on both days, I was also on time (even early) bringing M back.

So in the end, we spent the following time together at mine (excludes traveling time):

Friday: 15:05 - 16:40
Saturday: 09:00 - 16:30
Sunday: 09:00 - 11:00

However, my complaint is that due to the restricted hours and continual back and forth between families, this arrangement had at blatantly predictable and negative side effects on M.

The time schedule was hectic enough for me. How's a toddler, not even 3 years old, supposed to cope with it all? And this is one of those glaring contradictions that crop up all the time. Because normally M's mother (MM) is busy telling me or the Jugendamt that M can't stay overnight, or that she has to be back by a certain time or I have to do this or I have to do that, because M "becomes easily tired out", "needs plenty of rest" or (the favourite argument) "needs routine" Now, I don't deny any of that. In fact, on the contrary, those are exactly my arguments too! But just look at the access arrangement again, for the grandparents' six monthly visit! It's laughable. You couldn't dream up a worse possible arrangement for a toddler who requires plenty of rest, routine and continuity in her life, who's grandparents have come to visit!

Take good note please, the salient point there is that the Jugendamt couldn't give a monkey's about such contradictary behaviour by the child's custodial parent). If I told them this story, then based on my experience they would probably (pretend to?) sympathise with me, but wouldn't say a word to MM. They prefer to claim they are neutral and therefore refuse to take sides and tell one party or the other that their actions are suboptimal. But it's not about "taking sides", it's about educating separated parents who are still unable to put the true long term interests of the child first. If one parent is making poor decisions then they should suggest or even demand alternatives. If not, then the Jugendamt are not doing their job properly in acting in the best interests of the child!

I won't go into boring details about exactly how this affected M but I'll just mention loyalty conflict; major fuss, when it was time to go on Saturday night, but the same thing again on Sunday morning when picking her up. Suffice to conclude, all of it would have been avoidable if M had been allowed to sleep over. An infant of that age needs continuity. In this case, that meant 1 weekend, 1 family! However MM was adamant that that's not an option until after our mediation session on Wednesday, to discuss how we expand the current access arrangement. More on that, in the next day or two.