Journal Entry 100106: Grandparents are visiting tomorrow

I actually still intend to write a bit more about my situation because my individual experiences sometimes might sound trivial, taken out of context. Only when you consider the big picture do glaring contradictions show up and that's my big gripe with the Jugendamt - they never take into account or discuss what's already happened.

But that's exactly why my previous blogs never truely got off the ground, because, ultimately, my primary objective was to keep a Diary of Events, rather than to write an autobiography. So, I'm gonna jump the queue with this post and fill in the gaps at a later date, because there are a couple of interesting developments coming up, which I'd definately like to write about as they unfold.

Firstly, my parents are visiting tomorrow and staying until Monday. Snow permitting!

Now, because they live in England, regular contact with my daughter "M" is difficult enough. I usually try and fit a short video chat into our hectic day together, every 2 weeks, but in many ways that's probably less beneficial than telephoning – she quickly loses interest and is still less than communicative in English (at least on the telephone, the conversation would be a bit more direct). M will be 3 in February.

Because M is often "difficult" after spending her fortnightly day with me (and yes, I said day, not weekend), it's assumed that she's not getting enough sleep due to my poor sense of resposibility. The theory is that if I don't give her lunch at the prescribed time of 11:30, but at 12:30 (my own stupid admition) then it's no wonder that her 90 minute afternoon nap is screwed up and that she's overtired in the evening which means she doesn't go to bed at the right time which affects her on Sunday too. Sooooo… she's not allowed to stay overnight, until I can prove that I'm adhering to the strict daily schedule.

The fact that she isn't allowed to stay overnight has a domino effect. It logically means I can't go on holiday with M, it also means that I never have M for Saturday and Sunday but only for a single day (unlogical, I know) and it gets even more complicated if her Mum wants to go away for the weekend herself; because she knows that I'll bring up the subject of M staying overnight again; because I'll question why M is once again going to her german grandparents for Saturday night, instead of spending more time with me (at least the court did support me on that point and reminded her that my access has priority over that of the grandparents). So instead, just to make life simpler for herself now she just cancells the day, citing M's right to go "on holiday" with her. Apparantly the Jugendamt have confirmed to her that she can do that (which I'll write more about soon).

And so where does that leave my parents when they visit (approx twice a year, for about 4 days), yearning to spend time with their first born grandchild? Basically, it leaves them at the wrong end of a very shitty stick.

So they're arriving tomorrow evening and I've got the following arrangement:

Friday: 14:00 - 17:00 *
Saturday: 08:30 - 17:00 **
Sunday: 08:30 - 11:30 *

* 40 min travel time each way, plus time to arrive and to get ready to leave, leaves just over 1 hour of time with my parents (I'll probably end up just taking a taxi instead, to eke out another 30 mins each day… 50% more time!)

** this is my normal access day and likewise, allowing for travel time, afternoon nap and arriving and leaving, about 4.5 hours of time reman.

The justification for this was "so that she gets her afternoon sleep". My suggestion that her regular sleep times could be relaxed, under these special circumstances was met with disbelief. Surely I wasn't suggesting that my parents are more important than M's sleep?!?

And that's it. Approx. 6.5 hours is how much time my parents will see of their granddaughter in 3 full days. And all because… if you rewind the arguments right back to the start… I once openly confessed to giving M her lunch 1 hour later than the designated time, when she was about 1 year old (and back then b.t.w., she wasn't allowed to stay overnight, because she wakes up in the night).

Secondly, we've got a mediation session next week, to discuss the current access arrangement and how it can be improved, particularly with respect to staying overnight. More about that in the coming days.

Stay tuned...